I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize