Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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