It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
