I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
