My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
