dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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