It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
