Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
