yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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