Cold hands, warm shart.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
