totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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