Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
