Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
