I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
