i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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