You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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