How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
