this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
