make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
