There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
is wine microwaveable?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
