Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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