if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
