this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
