When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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