Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
