I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
