I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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