dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
