I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
