dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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