Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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