so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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