I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think your dad took our porno
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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