it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
