that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
