Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
