are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
