it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
