I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
