im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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