You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
