He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't deserve a penis
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
