Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
