So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
