I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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