Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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