I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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