grandma shit on top of the toilet
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
