I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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