Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
