I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The adults are the big ones right?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
