The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
